Planes, Metros, and Lamb Chop: The Story of Paris

This past weekend, I was off to Paris. In order to understand Paris, you must have a background of the city and it's people. Paris is situated around the River Seine and enjoys a lovely location in the north of France. The architecture is incredible and the people are not so bad as everyone makes them out to be. Among the things we owe to the city of Paris (and France) are the Louvre, French cuisine, latex, over-sized dresses, mimes, and Napoleon.
Napoleon was a man amongst men. He is said to have been the bastard love child of a primadonna couple resembling Elton John and Richard Simmons. One day, while his parents were on their way to a chic tanning salon, they decided he was too big of an inconvenience for their life of debauchery and threw him into a river close by. In the river by his lonesome and having to fend for himself, Napoleon found a spare stick floating nearby, quickly fashioned a rope from it, and lassoed an alligator swimming towards him. After lassoing said 'gator, he proceeded to surf the instantly domesticated reptile to the riverbank while eating crumpets and scones and listening to Liza Manelli on his iPod.
At the age of five, Napoleon - knowing he would not grow another inch from that day on - decided to enter the French military, which at the time was composed of 7 people. Using his innate cunning (as well as his ability to hide quickly 'neath his superiors) Napoleon ascended the ranks whilst busting caps on everyone that stood in his way, using his infamous weapon of choice - a Colt .45. After having risen to the top of his game, and controlling the majority of Europe, Napoleon contracted gonorrhea from a surly mountain goat and died shortly thereafter. Among Napoleon's accomplishments: dominating Western Europe into submission, the Arc de Triomphe, little man syndrome, and the made-for-TV series - Lamb Chop.
Lamb Chop was a TV show that existed between the 1960s and late 90s. Most remember Lamb Chop the puppet for her spunk, inquisitive nature, and her notorious drug addiction. In 1997, after tensions concerning her and her puppeteer Sherry Lewis' drug cartel had continued to escalate, Lamb Chop decided she could not take the heat and snorted 12 lines of cocaine while on air. She O.D.'d within 60 seconds after having completed her now famous feat. Fortunately though, there is a dancing, full-sized Lamb Chop impersonator that roams the streets of Paris to this day. Incidentally, I had the opportunity to dance with her - footage of which should be up on Facebook soon.
Returning to the city of Paris, I shall now discuss Versailles. Versailles is a 17th century palace located some 30 minutes from the city center of Paris that King Louis the XIV built to prove to the rest of the world that he was to be taken seriously, even if he did look like a trans-gendered version of Cher:
http://www.orleans-tours.iufm.fr/ressources/ucfr/arts/copiearthistoire/louisxiv.JPG
Anyway, King Louis XIV built his big palace with lots of fields for hunting and sometimes tried to act like he actually had a Y chromosome, but he was less convincing of an actor than Keanu Reeves. His crowning achievement at the palace is most definitely his hall of mirrors. Being the self-involved pansy that he was, specifically designed this hall so that he would be able to stare at his nappy ass weave for more than 50 meters in a row. This is also the site where King Louis XIV often powdered his face, practiced his impressions of Boy George in front of distraught housekeepers, and modeled his silken dresses in front of his "Finer Things Club." As an example of Louis's flamboyancy, I offer this recollection from a fellow member of the club: "Aside from having sex with men, the Finer Things Club is definitely the gayest thing about me."
Lying on his deathbed, after being raped by a pig-monkey-man in the woods, King Louis XIV mustered up the will to serenade the lookers-on around his bed with this now-timeless classic:
"Bout to go, a damn year's gone by,
Young niggaz outside the pad throwin' up gang signs,
Went in the house to get the clip, my Mac-10 on my hip,
I bailed outside, and I pointed my weapon,
Just as I thought the fools kept steppin--"
And so, with King Louis XIV's last words, the hip-hop era was sprung. Artists that have credited Louis XIV (Lou-DUB, as it were) as their inspiration include Snoop Dogg, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, NWA, and most recently - 50 Cent.
As you can clearly see, the French have had, and will continue to have, an unmatched influence on the world. And, being French, they will continue to rely on everyone else to keep preserving it for them. The end.

- O